


I Saved Him

by BuckysBabe



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Cancer, Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, Major Charcter Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 18:12:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8220293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckysBabe/pseuds/BuckysBabe
Summary: Recently you had gotten news that had destroyed you and everything you held dear. You now had one of two choices; either you could stay and drag everything and everyone you loved into ruin and desolation along with you or you could leave and save them – save him…





	

**Author's Note:**

> I can do nothing but apologise....

Today had started just like any other day for everyone else in the world but for you it was the beginning of the end. Everything was coming to an end. You sat at the dining table in the apartment you had been sharing with Bucky for the last two years, holding the letter you had written for him in your hand. Your suitcase waited by the front door for you.

Not too long ago you had received the news that had completely shattered your world. You were suffering from lung cancer. Small-cell lung cancer to be exact. At first you didn’t believe it when Doctor Banner had told you so – you were only 23 years old for God’s sake! But soon enough you began to notice the truth for yourself, from the difficulties you had started experiencing doing simple things like running upstairs to the constant pain you felt every time you took a breath. You felt like your whole life had been put on hold; every day you ran on auto pilot. You just went through the motions for the sake of going through the motions; you woke up, had breakfast, went to work at the tower, occasionally went for another check up with Doctor Banner and kept in contact with Bucky through calls, texts and the occasional video chat. You even made sure to meet with Wanda, Natasha and the rest of your friends every weekend but nothing really mattered any more. Nothing.

Earlier today you’d been to the hospital again to see if there was anything else that Doctor could do - to see if you had any more options but you’d been told that from now all that Doctor Banner could do was give you some more time. Doctor Banner had said that at the very most you only had about a year left to live. You supposed the only good thing was that Bucky was away on a mission in Central Africa at the moment. He had gotten the opportunity to repay T’Challa for all he had done for him, and since it was a covert mission he didn’t have a clue what was going on with you. Whenever Bucky found a way to call or Skype, you pretended to be the happy and cheerful girlfriend he knew and loved. It kind of hurt you that Bucky didn’t realise you were faking it all.

The letter you were holding in your hands was the letter that would set Bucky free. He didn’t need to be looking after a sick and dying girlfriend when he had so many other things to do. He didn’t need to be mourning your death and carrying a heavy heart with him when he had so much life to live. He had thousands of people that looked up to him, admired him and depended on him. He had a whole life to make up for and a lifetime of memories to rediscover. He had so much joy to give and so you had decided to leave him now before you left him forever and destroyed his happiness.

You walked around your apartment for the very last time, clutching desperately at the letter in your hand. You walked through the living room, ensuring you took every trace of your presence with you. You walked through the kitchen and made sure the fridge and the cupboards were fully stocked up for Bucky’s return. You knew that sometimes he got so caught up in training that he would forget to go grocery shopping. You walked into the bedroom to make sure you had taken all your pictures, gifts and clothes with you. You even made sure your side of the bed didn’t smell like you. You wanted Bucky to carry on as though you hadn’t existed - as though your lives hadn’t touched. As you walked through the apartment you allowed yourself to reminisce on all the good times you’d had together.

You remembered the first kiss that the two of you had shared one night when Bucky had invited him over for a movie marathon, not too soon after you had started dating. He’d decided that next on his list of movies to catch up on was ‘Drag Me to Hell’ even though he knew just how easily frightened you were. To Bucky’s delight you spent the entire movie with your head buried in Bucky’s broad chest. Bucky held you close, whispered soothing words in your ears and ran his hands up and down your back to calm you. When the movie had finished he’d tilted your head up and given you a quick peck on the lips.  
“I’ll always protect you, doll.” he’d told you.

You remembered the day he’d moved in with Bucky. After the two of you had brought all your boxes and suitcases in, with some help from the rest of the team, you’d snuggled up on the sofa together instead of unpacking. You sat in Bucky's lap as he had his arms wrapped around your waist, his large hands almost enveloping all of you. Or at least that's what it felt like. Bucky had his head resting on your shoulder and you could feel his warm breath tickling your neck.  
“These arms are where you belong, doll.” he’d told you.

You also remembered the first time you’d been sick and Bucky had looked after you. It had only been a small cold but he’d insisted that you stay in bed and not lift a finger. Bucky had cleaned and tidied and cooked and fussed over you. You weren’t allowed to get up unless it was to go to the bathroom and even then Bucky insisted on carrying you there with the excuse that you could faint at any moment. Even though Bucky's worrying was excessive, it was sweet nonetheless to see how much he really did care for you. He cooked chicken noodle soup for you – from scratch! - and even spoon-fed you. After you were done eating Bucky stroked your cheek and leaned down to kiss your slightly damp and feverish forehead.  
“I’ll always look after you, doll.” he’d told you.

And you knew that Bucky meant every word. You knew that it would be difficult but Bucky would somehow manage to hold it together. He would put every effort into looking after you and being there for you. He would retire from the team for the foreseeable future but you weren’t worried about all that. That wasn’t the issue; you were more worried about how Bucky would be once you left him.  
You knew that when Bucky fell in love he did so absolutely and from the stories Steve had told you he didn’t take break ups too well so how would he deal with something as absolute as death? You couldn’t imagine the grief Bucky would go through after you were gone and you refused to do that to him.

You now stood at the door with your suitcase in your hand. You’d left the letter you'd written on Bucky's pillow for him to find later. And then you walked out, never looking back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bucky had arrived in back in New York City in the middle of the night to enjoy a peaceful flight and avoid traffic but ever since they had entered American airspace he had this overwhelming sense of urgency. Like he had to go home as soon as possible. It felt as though something was wrong. Bucky couldn't help worrying especially since he had noticed that Y/N had been looking a bit down lately. He didn’t want to say anything on Skype though, considering he wouldn’t be there to comfort you in person. Bucky decided to listen to his gut feeling, seeing as it had never been wrong before and quickly hailed a passing taxi.

He made it home in record time and he could already tell something was wrong. It was just after 3am and the porch lights were turned off. Y/N always made sure to leave the porch lights on, especially if you were staying home alone. Another sign that something was wrong was the fact that the mailbox seemed to overflowing as though no one had checked it in a while.  
Bucky 's heart stopped.

He jumped out the taxi, threw a few bills at the driver and ran to the front door as quickly as he could. Bucky struggled to open the door with fumbling hands and the second he managed to unlock the door he ran through the hallways and into every room only to see the same thing - all the lights had been turned off and there was a very fine layer of dust on all the surfaces. Even worse, all of Y/N’s things were gone. Your clothes were gone, all of your pictures were gone and every single gift the two of you had ever exchanged was missing too.

Bucky’s blood turned to ice.

Frantically he pulled his phone out his pocket, dialled 1 on speed dial and pressed the phone to his ear.

"The number you have dialled has been disconnected or is no longer in service…"

He threw his phone on the ground in anger and ran a hand through his hair. What had happened? Had Y/N left him? Bucky walked through each room again, sure that this couldn't just be the end.

He came across a letter on his pillow that he hadn't noticed in his haste.

He knew Y/N wouldn't leave like this; that you just wouldn’t leave without a goodbye.

He sat on the bed, unfolded the letter and began to read…

“My dearest Bucky,

I don’t quite know how to tell you this. I suppose I should just say it, right?

I met someone else. Another man and his name is Matt. I’ve left you for him though I suppose you can already tell that by now...  
Let me start from the beginning. I met him when you were away on a mission. I was so lonely and he was there for me. At first it was innocent, I promise - you know I’m not that kind of girl. I ran into him one day on the way to work and spilled my coffee all over him. I apologised profusely and was on the verge of tears when he calmed me down and convinced me it was alright. After that we would meet at the coffee shop occasionally and just talk about life. But before I knew it I had developed feelings for him. I found myself thinking of him instead of you. I blushed when he smiled at me. When I heard his name I got this warm feeling inside and when he touched me my blood turned to fire. Just the way it was in the beginning with you.

I’m a horrible person, aren’t I? I had a boyfriend, a wonderful, perfect boyfriend that did nothing but love me. I shouldn’t be thinking of another man much less developing feelings for him! I felt guilty so I stopped talking to him.

I was lonely yet again but this time it was by my own doing. I was sitting alone at home reminiscing on the past; staring into the darkness like I did so often when I remembered something you’d told me when we first got together. When you first took me training with you. Do you remember?

You had been telling me how much you had to sacrifice to get to where you are now and I had asked if you why you’d even bothered. You’d chuckled softly and then you’d told me.  
“Sometimes you have to do the hardest things in life to get the most beautiful things in life.”  
You were right, Buck. The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life was leaving you but maybe now I can get the most beautiful thing in life – true love.

I’m sorry. I don’t know when my love for you faded but it did. I wish I could change it.

Bucky, I know you’re angry at me and most probably disappointed but that’s okay. I deserve all that but the thing I don’t want you to be is sad. I don’t want you to feel pain because of a personal as lowly as me.  
I took everything. I don’t want you to walk around in your own home and be reminded of the fact that I couldn’t stay true to you. I want you to live like our lives never touched.  
Forget about me because sometimes you have to do the hardest things in life to get the most beautiful things in life.

Goodbye, Y/N.”

Bucky swore he could feel his heart breaking into a thousand tiny pieces. He couldn’t believe it was really over. He couldn’t believe it had gone this far without him realising. What kind of boyfriend had he really been? He folded the letter carefully back into its envelope and put into his drawer.  
He lay down on Y/N’s side of the bed that only smelt like fresh detergent. He wanted to cry and scream and shout but he couldn’t. He felt hollow. Like he was empty. Like his heart was gone. Like Y/N had taken it with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

11 months later…

It had been a while since Y/N had left. Bucky felt a lot better now but he still wasn't the same. Every now and then he would find himself doing something silly like dialling your number at the end of a long night of training to tell him you would be coming home soon. At times like those Bucky wondered how you were. He hoped you were happy.

Bucky stepped into the training studio when the sombre faces of his teammates greeted him. He was confused but that confusion soon turned to shock. Wanda was crying in the corner and Steve was sat on a bench to the side of the studio, with a pale face. Bucky 's eyebrows furrowed but before he could say a single word Natasha shoved the obituary page of the local newspaper in Bucky 's face.

Your picture.

“Y/F/N Y/L/N recently passed away at the tender age of twenty four after a lengthy battle with terminal cancer. She had been suffering of the disease for the last 13 months and finally lost her fight on Friday night at 6pm at home surrounded by her family. May God bless her soul….”

Bucky couldn’t breathe. Bucky couldn’t speak. Nothing made sense any more. He felt himself falling, though his tears hit the ground long before he did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days after he found out he finally calmed down enough to come to his senses and think rationally. Bucky decided to go visit your family to pay his respects but above all to apologise. He had gotten along tremendously well with your mother, and almost saw her as his own mother. He had also gotten along well with your father though things had changed after they had started dating.

Bucky knocked on the family’s door and as soon as it sprung open your mother pulled him into a bone crushing hug. They sat on the sofa together crying for a long time. Your father sat on the arm chair and watched them silently though Bucky swore he saw him wipe at his own eyes more than once. Bucky apologised for letting you go so easily, he apologised for not being there for you and he apologised for leaving you alone when you had needed Bucky the most.

They told him that they didn’t blame him. You had been adamant about Bucky not finding out despite their hardest efforts to persuade you otherwise. They told him that you didn’t want Bucky to mourn you but rather to forget you. Bucky almost laughed out loud at that point - how could he ever forget you? They told him about how quickly you had gotten sick and how miserable you had been. They told him about all the pain you had been through. They told him that the doctor initially gave you longer to live but that your body just couldn’t keep the fight up any more.

Lastly they told him where you were buried.

It was beautiful and exactly how you would have wanted it - simple and understated but still beautiful.  
Bucky brought him flowers. Fawn lilies; your favourite. He laid them on your grave along with a letter.

“You silly idiot,

why did you have to be so stupid? I told you I would always be there for you. I told you I would always protect you. I told you that you belonged in my arms so why did you leave me, doll? Why did you leave when you needed me the most?  
Of course I know why. You always think about other people before yourself. Instead of thinking about how ill you would get or the pain you would go through you thought about me and my pain. You left me to make things easier for me. You left me so I wouldn’t mourn you.

And I wouldn’t have mourned you had I not found out. It was in the newspaper, you know? In the obituary page. I came to the training studio like on any other day but the guys looked so troubled. Before I had a chance to ask what was wrong they showed me the newspaper. The members must have read it before me because Steve and Tony were devastated. They still hadn’t properly dealt with you leaving but to find out you were really gone was too much for the both of them. Natasha hasn’t really said a word since she found out and Wanda hasn’t been much better though she’s been pretending she’s okay for our sake. I’ve seen her cry a few times.

But that’s beside the point; I don’t want you to feel bad for what you had to do. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I forgive you and the team all forgive you. Instead I want you to know that I will be sad and angry at you for a while but I will get better. I did it once so I can do it again.

I want you to know that I will let go one day but that I won’t ever forget you because you taught me that sometimes you have to do the hardest things in life to get the most beautiful things in life.

I’m sorry.”

Bucky kissed your headstone and then he walked away without looking back.


End file.
